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The mark AKK

Everyone is crying: As if the German troop did not already cause more than enough chaos and suffering all over the world and its own ranks, it now wants to expand its field of operation into orbit. A newly created command for this purpose is to protect satellites, observe swirling scrap metal and scout out cybercriminal villains. As always, peace, freedom and prosperity are written on the missions and, as always, only the West is meant. The elementary school student Knarrenbauerin calls all this" defensive operations", which will be directed against the usual suspects Russia and China.

Careful, Realsatire! Who does not know it, the quip of Peter Struck. “The security of the Federal Republic of Germany is also defended in the Hindu Kush.“That was what he had done in 2002 as then-acting Federal Defense Minister-in the wake of Osama Bin Laden’s incredible superterror coup in the heart of the US superpower. What had to escape the SPD veteran who faded ten years later: Today his words no longer apply. The Bundeswehr has just withdrawn its last soldiers from Afghanistan and leaves the fate of the country back to the Taliban, exactly the villains you wanted to get away with. Mission accomplished!

Fortunately, the world seems to be turning further and with time new tasks come again and again, also for German terrorists. And if nothing or too little can be pacified on the earthly apple of contention, you are looking for a battlefield away from the planet, and one that promises a lot of noise, boom, bang. But please do not jump to conclusions. The term space command evokes adventurous associations from Jules Verne to the starship Enterprise, Struck Struck’s official heir these days in front of press representatives and reassured: “The reality is far from so lurid.“Which she is right: If a multi-billionaire from Jux and Dollerei takes a short detour into orbit or transplants 42,000 satellites to the sky, then that does not tear anyone off their stool today.

Peace, joy, pancakes

So why snap, just because it pulls Germany’s terrorists into the supernatural. Everything sounds very reasonable and down-to-earth, what the on Tuesday in the Lower Rhine Uedem (NRW) freshly put into service “space Command of the Bundeswehr” has to do in the future. For example, it is supposed to take over the protection and monitoring of satellites, observe dangerous space debris, and analyze activities of other states as part of military reconnaissance. This sounds almost as dry and bureaucratic as the abbreviation with which the company operates: WRKdoBw. Who is afraid of such a thing? Especially with a commander-in-chief AKK. In Karlsruhe, this stands for"Arbeitskreis Kultur und Kommunikation”.

And aren’t we Germans a cultural nation whose need for mission would like to radiate far above the clouds? That’s why everyone stays nice on the carpet, who immediately paint the devil on the wall. And beautiful chief Knarre faith, who clarified: “For Germany, space operations are always defensive operations.“As harmless as ever, for example in the Kosovo operation, in Jordan, Syria, Iraq, Mali, South Sudan, Lebanon, the Mediterranean or the Horn of Africa and and and. It is always about peace and defending freedom, democracy and prosperity, or better yet, exporting. Now stop no longer only on the globe, but further up, in an airless height, where peace, joy, pancakes, forgiveness, where freedom and democracy are at least as endangered.

Shrill music of the future

Want some examples? Just think of Elon Musk and his tens of thousands of Minitrabanten, which he shoots into Earth orbit for the blessing of the peoples for hyperfast Internet. They need to be protected in some way, from all the debris that discarded satellites or rocket stages leave behind, or from collisions with other Starlink projectiles or those from Amazon or OneWeb. With so much operation, it takes resistance, preferably military. There are even voices who think that all these projects are themselves militarily motivated,like the World Wide Web. All the better! So that the good forces of this world against good tax money soon get all the bad fingers on the screen. We know that there are plenty of them, especially Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping. The well-informed “Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung” (FAZ) finally knows that “several states, including China and Russia, have possibilities to attack satellites, via the Internet, but also with far-reaching weapons”.

Who wanted to sleep there still calm. Especially since “Tagesschau.de” knows even better: according to them, “satellites could be rendered inoperative with the help of lasers, “but” anti-satellite missiles, shot down from the ground or from the plane, are no longer a dream of the future”. The ARD journalists not only say so, but pass on one-A-expert knowledge, state-bearing as they are. The Bundeswehr had already announced the same in almost identical terms in September 2020, when the “Air and Space Operations Centre” (ASOC) was launched.

Definitely defensive

From the womb of this “central command command post” grew the WRKdoBw, which is to bring together capabilities of the Air Force with the means of the cyber force CIR and the Geoinformationsdienst (GeoIn-foDBw). The command will operate at the site of the Air Operations Center (ZLO) as part of an air defense facility on the Paulsberg, from where the entire airspace over Germany is monitored. Of course, the hill is also used by NATO. You can literally feel it: the whole project breathes peacefulness and international understanding. Or in AKK-Diction: “With these capabilities, the Bundeswehr makes further contributions to space security and thus also to national security provision.”

Of course, peace and peace missions in modern times must be approached differently than, for example, Buddhists think. It doesn’t work without a threatening backdrop. Where humanity could theoretically be wiped out a hundredfold with the arsenal of nuclear weapons alone, space has even more potential. For example, cybercriminals could hack the entire atomic bombs by “death star” and blow them all up at once. With the bang, Mars or Venus might be gone. Or some sinister could turn Claus Kleber off the juice and we would suddenly no longer understand the world. It is necessary to prepare people for such things, even mentally, so that they buckle where the enemy lurks.

Not with the West

The Bundesterroristen goes ahead with fire zeal. When the ASOC was set up ten months ago, she raved that “potential opponents” could “exploit the dependence of Germany and its allies on space systems and specifically threaten them.” It warned of " capability developments in individual states “whose use” could take place at any time as part of a hybrid campaign “and would be” difficult to attribute to their originator”. “But it could also take place in the context of an open conflict – especially at the beginning – in order to negate the leadership superiority of Western forces gained from the use of space.”

To stand up to the West and then also with nasty means that can not be seen through, perhaps even in such a way that the villainies could be blamed on the West itself in the end? This is really not possible, as little as the assault rifles of the German peacekeepers, their tanks, helicopters, cargo planes and insinuations, in local barracks brown activities carried on their mischief. But there are no excuses at all, the German armed forces could be overwhelmed in the face of smaller technical problems on land, on water and in the air in an ice-cold vacuum.

“Because should we really send the German terrorists into orbit in wooden spaceships with diesel drive never again?Uli Hannemann commented in the “Tageszeitung” and should be ashamed of it. But let’s let him have his fun: “Before they fumbled their antimatter revolvers out of the spacesuit and made them sharp, the malicious Chinese has long since fished off the television satellite of ZDF with his space net to sabotage the broadcast of the ‘dream ship’ and to destabilize our nation even more in this way.”

The aliens are coming

But now stop being funny and make a virtue of necessity. Where the troupe is so bad, it would finally have to be helped with a decent injection of money on its feet. Who wanted to see that we Germans make a monkey of ourselves in space and Elon Musk streams the shame of the world on the mobile phone. But a budget of two percent of gross domestic product will not be enough. In order to keep up with the top dogs in space, it would easily take three to four times. If only because no one can know whether the aliens will soon trouble us. According to a report published by US intelligence agencies at the end of June Report on the sighting of unknown flying objects, this remains an option in any case. One can already be sure: If ET is only on the mat, he is terribly mean.